Thursday, January 12, 2006

The Armpit Zit Story : Part Duex

I know you've all been dying to hear how Armpit Zit's trip to the doctor went yesterday. Dying.

But first.....I apologize for any typing errors today. There is a good reason, and it's related to this story.

It was not a pleasant trip. I was already in a bad mood, due to my oldest child watching TV instead of getting ready for school. Yes, the buses were cancelled, but she didn't know that. It was not my idea to get her the damn TV for Christmas. So, an argument/lecture ensued.
"A TV is a privilage, not a right. You think you can do whatever you want? Not in MY house! I'M the boss here, not you! I'll take that thing away. You just watch me. I'll give it to the poor kids. And your Gameboy, too!"
(Raise your hands....who just had flashbacks?)

It wouldn't be so bad if she acted all snotty and beligerant like a regular kid her age. Instead, she gets all hangdog looking and acts like I'm about to hit her with a broom. If I actually WAS going to hit her with a broom, that would make sense. But I'm not. Because I have control. Usually.

We drive the skating rink roads (due to freezing rain) and get to the doctor's. Then I try to park. No parking spots. So, I have to park across and down the street. And walk to the office. On icy sidewalks. Holding onto the hand of a bratty 3 year old. (Yes, I know I show cutie-pie photos of her, and you all say "aawwww" and think she must be an angel sent to earth....but she's not. She's a manipulative, stubborn brat, and I'm pretty sure she's plotting my demise). She keeps yelling "Whooaaa" and throwing her feet out in front of her. On a slippery road we are crossing. Just to MAKE ME FALL. What? Why is she trying to kill me? Do I not feed her and clothe her and hug her and play My Little Effing Ponies with her?

So I promise treats if they behave. No, that's not bad parenting. Ask Dr. Phil. Bribes can work. Unfortunately for my kids, I actually mean it when I say they have to behave.

In the waiting room is another kid. A boy. I think he may be the offspring of the Jolly Green Giant. Not that he was green. But big. HUGE. He was a good 2 inches taller than mine. I asked his mom how old he is. Nineteen months. My littlest will soon be four. I know she's tiny, but my GOD what is she feeding that kid? And he was loud. Ear splitting loud. Moms: If your child's voice is louder than a foghorn, please don't let them stand in the middle of a small room full of sick people and yell. That's just rude. And stupid.

Once in the little room, the brat got worse. Running around, grabbing books. Acting like she had a mother that would actually put up with that crap.

I don't.

Then the 'doctor' came. I think he was the doctor. It's hard to say, since he didn't even look at my armpit. He just listened to what I said about it, wrote a quick prescription and walked out. Didn't even say 'bye', the bastard. I called him back and asked him if I have to look forward to getting one of these every month (because the pills cost money, dammit). He looked at me all cheery and said "Could be!" and then walked away.

Very unsatisfying.

The brat didn't act any better, even after reminding her that she would get NOTHING from the store if she continued her brattiness. She would just scrunch up her sweet little face and say "Sooorrryy Mommy," and then continue pinching her sister. So, an argument/lecture ensued. "You think you can just say 'sorry' and make everything go away? I don't think so, Missy! An apology is not a word, it's a promise to change your behavior. There's no way you're getting any treat. What am I? Crazy? I don't THINK so. You can just sit there and think about why you don't have a treat!"

I was upset. And I still had some Walmart gift certificate money left from Christmas. So I shopped. I decided to try to pretty myself up a bit. Partly because of my New Year's resolution to look more like a grown up, but also because A.Z. makes me feel very, very ugly. Uuugly. (he didn't read that, did he? I mean, it's a zit. It's not like he has eyes, right?) I got some hair highlights in a box, to be applied later (when I can raise my arm above my head again), some new anti-wrinkle face cleanser (yes, I have wrinkles. Don't smoke, kids) and some fake nails. And I put the fakes on last night while watching LOST. Hence the bad typing. And they HURT, too. Beauty is a bitch.

So, I think I will need a new approach when next dealing with A.Z. The doctors I have seen are not willing to do anything but give me drugs. Which work, but they take days and days and days. And cost me money. A trip to the emergency room to get surgery is free, but I'm paying for these drugs, dammit. So, next time I go to the hospital. I can fake unrelenting pain. I have kids.

I've heard a few different things that this could be called (besides Armpit Zit, but I really think he's partial to that name). The most common phrse I have heard, from the real doctors and the armchair ones, is 'sebaceous cyst'. Just for giggles, I looked that up under a Google image search. Try it. It's very gross. And a great place to end this post.


Blogger Catherine said...

Holy grossness Batman! Next time you tell me to try something I'm going to pass. blech!

9:36 a.m.  
Blogger noricum said...

Ewww! That first eyelid one was particularly ewwwy!

That armpit-smelling photo cracks me up. ;)

10:20 a.m.  
Blogger LinknKnits said...

My hubby gets something very similar to these cysts on his back. They are huge... and then they burst and drain and it is all very gross. (And that was TMI for you!) At least you go to the doctor; he is stubborn and refuses!

I love the pouty pic, btw! She is still a cutie! :-)

10:40 a.m.  
Blogger Julie said...

Yeah, I had a yesterday, when my oldest had a coniption fit and I wanted to take everything away, gameboy, playdates, food, basic human needs! Argh. My problem is my girl is way too much like me and I don't like what I see!

11:47 a.m.  
Blogger MilkMaid said...

Ok...big gulps of air...

::::no bitching by me, since I DID post a picture of dog crap on my blog::::


Maybe a dermatologist??

And YES to the flashbacks, dang, couldn't ya have flashed us back to say...Boone's Farm, Marlboro's and kid free days?? ;)

Feel better...

12:57 p.m.  
Blogger Vanessa said...

does AZ look like the sebaceous cysts?

1:11 p.m.  
Blogger Tara said...

Yes, except that it is deeper under the just looks like a very large, angry red bump. It's not 'rising to the surface,' so to speak.

Yes, gross, lol. But he is fortunate if his break. That's the problem with AZ. He likes it where he is. No drainage, lol.

Sorry, lol. Next time I will try a cute and cuddly link.

3:32 p.m.  
Blogger Jana said...

that one under the boob looked nasty eh? i used to work healthcare so nothing grosses me out anymore. you'd think that if it inhibits your arm mobility that the doctor would take it more seriously.......can you get a different doc in your town? i am hardcore when it comes to dr.s

4:45 p.m.  
Blogger Tiffany said...

Believe me, you're not alone. I have a freaky devil-child who is also three and a girl. She pretends to be cute and adorable, but she uses it to her advantage to do evil things. The whole "woah!" thing - I hear that all the time from her when we're out in public! LOL

I've changed dinner plans tonight thanks to your google search. Spaghetti and meatballs? Hell no!

5:02 p.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Everything grosses me out so I'm not even going to look but man, can I ever relate to dragging young children around to places they don't want to be (and encountering other peoples' unattended children). Oye! The good news is that eventually you will get some peace and quiet; they grow older and refuse to speak to you. ;) Jk! Hope your feeling better soon. :)

5:05 p.m.  
Blogger NS said...

Tara, if it is indeed a sebaceous cyst, I know you're in pain, because I had one on my upper back. I finally insisted that it be cut out. Now I have a nasty, painful scar. So, be very, very sure if you decide to get it removed.

6:19 p.m.  
Blogger Jewels said...

ewwww on the a.z...poor you. Sounds like you shoulda popped that thing right in that doctor's face, some pathetic bedside manner he has!

9:33 p.m.  

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