Monday, October 02, 2006

The NEW I Hate Horatio Caine Club

That's it. That's IT. I've had enough. I'm at my limit. I cannot, CANNOT, let this continue anymore.

NO MORE, I SAY!!!

Horatio Caine MUST be stopped. I am hereby bringing to order the very first meeting of the I Hate Horatio Caine Club. So far I am the only member, but I imagine a few of you may join in. If so, here are some ground rules. These rules are designed to keep out anyone who secretly admires Horatio Caine and must therefore be ridiculed by the rest of the club.

1. NEVER wear your sunglasses indoors. It was not cool when Corey Hart did it, and it's just plain creepy when Horatio Caine does it.

2. NEVER call somebody, or have anyone call you, by the first initial of their name. For instance, never call me 'T'. Ever. I mean it. I'll do the same for you.

3. ALWAYS look at a person when you are talking to them. Yes. I mean the WHOLE entire sentence. Don't look out into the horizon over the ocean/at the big white mansion in the background/into the depths of the shimmering Miami pool water with flowing scraps of white fabric blowing in the breeze behind it and then turn to the person you are talking to at the very last word of the sentence, glaring at them through your creepy sunglasses. It's stupid. Real stupid.

4. NEVER EVER EVER crouch down to a small kid and say something creepy like "I'll always be here if you need me," in a deep and gravelly whisper, then handing them a card with your name on it, knowing that handing the kid said card means he/she will soon be placed in imminent danger.

5. If you are a kid, NEVER EVER EVER accept a card from Horatio Caine. Seriously. Never. Imminent danger.

6. Do NOT act like you, and you alone, can control all of the criminals in Miami. All of the mob, the ganstas, the rappers, the rich kids killing their girlfriends, etc, etc, etc. You are NOT a God. And I am pretty sure there is more than one police station in Miami.

7. DO NOT gather all of your co-workers together at the end of a long day and have them meet you on the beach with nothing but big black Hummers for a backdrop. And, while you are not there, DO NOT then line said co-workers up and walk down the beach with the sunset behind you, trying desperately to look like a) superheroes in expensive business suits that are far too fashionable for any cop to wear, b) a wannabe boy band, but without any boys (ya, you heard me, oh yes I did say it), or c) the only thing that stands between the law-abiding citizens of the planet, and total destruction at the hands of gussied up drug dealers with nice cars and hot porn star girlfriends.

8. Do NOT have some stupid clever line for each and every tragedy that befalls someone. Seriously. Show some sensitivity.

9. DO NOT date and/or marry your employee's sister who is dying of cancer but looks like she just walked off the fashion runway. And if you do, don't be surprised when she finds some way to get herself killed shortly afterwards. Because, really, who wouldn't?


10. And most importantly, whatever happens in the I Hate Horatio Caine Club STAYS in the I Hate Horatio Caine Club.

So, what do ya'll say? Any new members? Initiations start next week, during CSI:Miami. You have to throw random objects at the TV whenever Horatio Caine is talking. And don't wimp out and throw things like marshmallows or bread crumbs or anything.


Whoever is the last to join brings the beer the next week. Deal?


Meeting adjourned.

73 Comments:

Blogger .:Cris:. said...

ROTFLMAOOOO

It's very sad when you think about someone who you don't know (but read her blog) when you're almost paying attention to a tv show.

Yes, Tara. Everytime "H" says his monotone monologue I think of you. Which is almost as scary as knowing you're right.

I get in the club just because!

Have a great evening... and I am still waiting to hear your take on Amazing Race.

Cris~

11:56 PM  
Blogger utenzi said...

It used to be that CSI Miami was the only one in the franchise that I liked, Tara, but last season was too annoying. Now I'm willing to be a member of the IHHCC along with you. The "H"-ing has to stop!

I didn't watch tonight's episode and just watched enough of last week's to be sure that the quality hadn't changed. BTW, why do they act like "real" cops? They're crime scene investigators, for cripes sake. They're not the ones going into dangerous situations first! And no way do they get Hummers!

The IHHCC stands forever

1:24 AM  
Anonymous Anne said...

ROTFLMAO I was watching tonight thinking the exact same thing. I'll bring the cheesy poofs!

1:33 AM  
Blogger Awesome Mom said...

I would love to join!!! I think it is amazing that the police can afford hummers for everyone. I thought they had more important things to spend that kind of money on. Who knew?

1:48 AM  
Anonymous Valbee said...

Can I join even if I stopped watching the show a couple seasons ago and therefore will not be available to throw things at the TV when he's on? Because, really, he's mostly the reason I stopped watching...

PS - I'm back from NYC and I have A-MAZ-ING stories (ok, at least one) to tell. But I'm beat at the moment, and going to bed (and I have to get the photos off my camera), so stay tuned...

2:25 AM  
Anonymous krisr said...

I am so in, dd and I were just talking about what an idiot he is last night. CreepY man. We don't dig the medical examiner or the blonde chick either, at least she lost that icky accent a couple seasons ago. Hope I'm not the last to join tho, lol.

6:14 AM  
Blogger busyHSmom said...

Girl, you are just tooooo funny! Thanks for giving me a laugh!

As for H., well, he annoys me and my hubby sooo much that we have NEVER even watched one single episode!! Just the commercials are more than enough to send us running in the other direction.

10:17 AM  
Blogger Nichole R. said...

*Giggles a bunch*

I am soooo in. That guy drives me nuts. I can't even watch CSI: Miami because of him!

10:54 AM  
Blogger karen said...

I gotta tell you. He is the spitting image of my brother in law.

11:54 AM  
Blogger Blazer1234 said...

OMG, I'M IN!! I'M IN!!!! I'm SOOOO IN!!!!! I'm glad I'm not the only one who hates this guy, and thinks his butt needs to be booted off the air! Can I be VP of your club?????

1:11 PM  
Blogger utenzi said...

Off topic, Tara: the explosion was the world, or at least NYC, going up in smoke. Hiro time traveled ahead a month and witnessed "the end". I would presume that he teleports back and the series will be set in that month between "now" and when the catastrophe occurs. Neat premise.

3:39 PM  
Blogger Sue said...

I second that. I couldn't stand "H" on NYPD Blue and his "Are you okay with that?" every episode and can't stomach him now. Blech.

5:09 PM  
Blogger Red Rocket said...

There is an on-going debate around here as to who is more "the Man"; Grisom, the nerdy bug doctor with smarts of steel, or Caine, the pose-master with a gun who missed his casting call for Miami Vice.

So, long story short, I'm in.

10:03 PM  
Anonymous Jennifer said...

From your mouth to God's ears!

11:52 AM  
Blogger Miss Martini said...

OMG!!! My boyfriend & I have been discussing these very same things to each other for the last 2 seasons!

It's gotten so bad, I have trouble bringing myself to watch the show anymore - becaus H is SOOOO annoying.

But if you let me join, I will watch again - just to throw things at the TV when "H" is on screen!

11:52 AM  
Anonymous The History Chic said...

Well I don't like "h" but I like the rest of his crew. Though it is TOTALLY unbelievable the cars they get to drive. And the Ryan storyline this week with the whole death pool thing was just out of character for him....but I like the show. H though is annoying and way to cocky!!! So count me in :)

10:02 PM  
Blogger Calisews said...

Please let me join. I don't like him as H, didn't like him in NYPD, first started no liking him in Rambo. But at least there he acted some what human. None of this hands on hips stance as if he is superman with cape waving.

I do enjoy the show from time to time, really enjoy CSI (original) which was a favorite until last season. But, since our local forensics lab is the technical support for the show, and got comped by a pit boss in Vegas that has bit parts from time to time, I watch it every Thurs.

Dianna

5:21 PM  
Anonymous jackie said...

I think I peed on myself reading this!!!!!

I'm in!
I'm not a watcher, much, but when I did/do, I always comment to DH about Horatio and the "H" thing -
I like EMily Proctor (dunno her character's name, but I really liked her on The West Wing as Ainsley) - but I don't like her on this show. They all seem to have this strange cockiness about them. Are all Miamians like that??

Anyway - I'd like to act as the person-who-retrieves-the-items-tossed-at-the-tv-picker-upper.

1:13 AM  
Blogger Kawano said...

Dont shoot me...lol...i like the show, but im a CSI junkie if I can help it. The only reason I cannot watch this one is cos I also like House, and they have the same timeslot, and the VCR is broken :( But Love comedies!!!! At my house we take the mickey out of "H" all the time...even the sunglasses bit. Give me Grissom any day!!!

6:45 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I typed "I Hate Horatio" into google and found my way here. I don't think I'm going to be an official member but I will throw things at the TV.

10:14 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I hate this man, he's such a horrible actor. Now if you want to see a real CSI watch Vegas CSI, Grissom is amazing!!!! join the CSI:VEGAS is better than CSI: MIAMI group on facebook, and myspace.

5:54 PM  
Blogger bri bri said...

I soooooooooo agree! Check out my blog people!!! It is the horatio caine is sooooooooooooooooo annoying blog.
P.s I sooo wannna join ur club xx

3:58 PM  
Anonymous Carrie said...

I want to join in!

They should put "fake laughs" anytime Horatio shows on the screen... they would fit very well

Horatio is ridiculous, in all senses... bad actor, bad script...

And the agent with long blonde hair... is she a robot or what?

And the forensic one is soooo creepy, touching the corpses a way that she looks like a pervert!!

6:14 PM  
Anonymous Mac Grissom said...

Hehe, I too googled "hate horatio" and this was one of the MANY entries.

...but I must challenge you as the leader, since I know I hate Horatio the most. I almost got electrocuted when trying to choke him, before I realized he was on tv. ...and my dog barks at him, almost so loud you can't hear my swearing. And my neighbours complained that I grind my teeth too loud every friday, when he is on...

2:40 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Erm this is a me too post. I typed in "I Hate Horatio" and came here. Not only do I find red heads revolting but Horatio is a smarmy prick with a dimwitted lexicon that makes him loathsome to even the most relaxed person. He is punchy, arrogant and actually quite thick. I have heard more intelligent noises in the rectum ward at the anus hospital. Thanks for letting me vent.

Dogspeed.

7:42 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I hate Horatio soo much that I would not only like to become a member of your club but feel confident that I could run your Australaisian operations; let me know if this suits you.

Also, just another image to get you all going, how about when he single-handedly stops the bad guy by drawing his gun. I call it the "Gun crouch" and he looks like a tool.

8:56 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Not if that is how you spell Australasian. It's a moot point as the region is well covered.

9:50 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

YOU ARE A FUCKING IDIOT!!!!!!!! fRIST OF ALL HORATIO CAINE IS A HOTTIE SECOND HORATIO WILL DO WHATEVER HE GOD DAMN WANTS TO THRID ANYONE WHO HATES HORATIO CAINE IS A IDIOT AND I THINK ISAY THIS FOR ANYONE WHO LOOOOOOOOOOOOVES HORATIO CAINE.

I LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE HORATIO CAINE

9:44 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

LOL it's ONLY a tv show. you could well.............change the channel and NOT watch it.


Life is too short. Pick something else to be mad at.

7:09 PM  
Anonymous Cindy said...

Me and my brother bi*tches abt Horatio every time we watch CSI Miami. He's so painful to watch!!!

What about the way he treats Frank? Poor guy's like his dog.

"Frank, there's only one answer."
"Frank, go call 911 dispatch to find out..." (call them yourself!)

And Horatio NEVER does any lab work. I highly doubt if he knows how to do any forensic work at all.

8:40 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am in.! I cannot stand him, me and my beau stopped watching it along time ago. He is just too annoying, hes the reason I stopped watching it. he annoys me so much, makes me want to go into labor.

2:30 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

My husband thought I was crazy because I hate H with a passion. I told him that there was probably an I hate Horatio Caine club and you proved me right. Please let me join. And seriously, if he ends up dead, I didn't do it, no matter what the DNA says.

11:07 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

OMFG YOU SHOULD ALL DIE!!! HORATIO IS A GOD!!! NO ONE CAN KILL HIM (as the sixth season has proven) VIVA LA HARATIO !!!

6:43 PM  
Blogger Steve said...

Please let me join. I searched "hate horatio" I have recently blogged myself about it. I cannot stand CSI Miami!

I have convinced my wife to join me in the club, so thankfully it never comes on in our house anymore (I can somewhat tolerate the other CSIs) But my mother-in-law loves it! It's horrible when we're there and it is on. Also my dad is a fan so I catch glimpses there! H is so bad that I can't stand watching him, can't stand others watching him, and can't stand that David Caruso makes money doing it!

10:45 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi All,

We in Portugal HATE Horatio too.

Bruno from Portugal

11:02 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Its just a show. Geez! You shouldn't hate anyone JUST because the way they act! And besides "Horatio's" real name is David Caruso! I know 'cause I watch the show! And you shouldn't make a club about someone you only know by a show! What IF someone make one about YOU! What will that make you feel?! :K

2:50 PM  
Anonymous Calleigh said...

I totally agree! I mean really! Creating a [stupid} club like this about someone is not nice! And those rules were not funny. It didn't make me laugh.

4:59 PM  
Blogger Spirit said...

Spoken from a TRUE rebel

5:24 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sign me and my flatmate up. I was gutted when Horatio didn't die at the start of this new series!
I mean, what's so interesting about the floor anyway? Why does he keep staring at it? Can't he speak at a normal
speed? What a prick!! Get rid of 'Rustynuts' please!

4:38 PM  
Anonymous kat wilkerson said...

YES!!!! I found my home. I cannot stand Horatio. If i ever saw him on the streets I would punch him in his eye immediately. My husband calls him fellatio.LOL. Can i be treasurer of the club?

5:15 PM  
Anonymous kat wilkerson said...

and another thing why does he ALWAYS solve the crime. He will be gone the whole show and come in the last 5 minutes and solve it. So annoying.

5:18 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I would punch him in his eye too Kat, good idea! Fellatio Mundane must die!

4:02 PM  
Blogger frenchvelvet said...

I hate Horatio Caine so much, I just googled "I Hate Horatio Caine." And this is what I found. Hate.

9:08 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Us Norwegians hate him too. Just died laughing when reading all on your site, especially rule #3. Thank you so much for making this club, pleassse let me in, I promise to hate him forever!

3:41 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think Horatio Caine is the worst TV character ever, I think he is dumb, he is evil, I think he is so lame. NO MORE HORATIO CAINE!! he is so CHEAP!! I call him "Boratio Pain" I would prefer being in a skip bin full of rubbish than watching CSI Miami. EVERYTHING THAT IS SEEN ON CSI MIAMI IS THE OPPOSITE TO WHAT YOU SEE!! CSI Miami is the worst show IN THE WORLD!! here is my impression of Horatio Caine - "I am no hero, I am a zero. I think 0+0=6. People boo at me and they should. I live in an old unit that I keep very messy and old and mouldy, I take 1 hour to walk from 0m to 1mm, I fail everything I attempt and I drink algae water. ask csi miami to make their show so lame so nobody will watch it.

7:34 AM  
OpenID perceptionistruth.com said...

I'm in!

6:49 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I HATE HORATIO CAINE SO MUCH!! horatio is money hungry!! NO MORE "H" EMBLEMS!! more IHHCC!! i have never watched it ever. I would prefer to be eating a scopion and a funnel-web spider at once tan whatching CSI miami.
no more horatio caine!! (boratio pain)

6:53 AM  
Blogger Shawnarey said...

I am so glad to have found you. I knew i couldn't be the only one who hated him and thanks for helping me understand why i do. My favorite episode was when i thought he was dead. My least favorite was when i found out he faked it, just one more reason to hate him. I LOVE to hate Horatio Caine and it feels good to be among those who will not judge me harshly for it.

12:15 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

its not like i want horatio to die..
i just dont want him to live anymore.. hes highly annoying.. always looks down when he talks, enters a scene, etc. this is the first time ive seen this actor since the movie "rambo"and he still suuuuucks

10:46 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Horatio Caine is the worst. I would rather kiss Tiarne.

7:33 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

He is money hungry. He is terrible. He smells worse than an elephant's bottom and rotten cheese combined. I would rather have the flu and kiss Tiarne than watch CSI: Miami for 1 second. I am planning to sell an idea and the idea is where Horatio Caine gets killed off and made to look like a criminal. Call him names like "Moratio Stain, Boratio Pain, Stinky Horatio, Perverted Horatio, Cheating Horatio and lots, lots more. He is a Awful man aqnd he is rude and a bad crime solver

10:25 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I guess im being a hipocrite because im on this page and have this to say: **** OF HORATIO CAINE! IF YOU DONT LIKE HIM CHANGE THE ******* CHANNEL! HE IS THE MAIN CHARACTER! AND BTW YOU CAN TRACK A PERSON THROUGH AN IP ADDRESS AND 1/2 THE PEOPLE ON YOUR SITE SAY THEY LOVE HIM ON DIFFERENT SITES!OF COURSE HE TALKS LOW AND CANT SEEM TO PART WITH HIS SUNGLASSES ITS WHAT MAKES HIM ******* DIFFERENT FROM csi:NY and csi SO AS I SAID CHANGE THE CHANNEL

2:58 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Horatio Caine is the dumbest man ever! CSI: Miami is the worst CSI show and is also the worst show of all time!

7:09 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

WOW....stupid club for stupid people. the last person was right, change the f-ing channel! NOw have a terrible day.:)
-H aka harley from Florida CSI MIAMI FTW!!!!

5:17 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You know this is weird cause the thing is i love wearing my sunglasses in the dark. my favorite song is in fact 'I wear my sunglasses at night'
I give horatios business card to everyone i know and dont know.(while kneeling down)
I personally SEEK him out just to get a business card from him.
Everyone calls me by the first initial of my first name which ironically is H.
I have wonderful one liners for every acation. I wrote them down in a little book so i wont forget them.
I never look people in the eye when im talking
I dated then married my employees sister.
The weird thing is i broke every rule exept two because when i walk down the beach with my team shoulder to shoulder, black hummers in the backround being dramatic Horatio is not ACTING like a superhero, he is a superhero. WHich in turn comes to the next rule without horatio there would be no miami only gang land. You ever read the csi miami books? NEWS FLASH he is the only one who can save miami pardon him for knowing. Ironic huh?
-Horatio B. and as the other guy said above: CSI MIAMI FTW!!!

5:32 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

My aunty is forcing me to watch CSI: Miami but I don't watch it. She wants me to do it because Horatio Caine is her crush. I am certain that CSI: Miami is the worst CSI series and the worst TV show of all time. If the producers fired Horatio, then the show would at least be a little bit better.

6:01 AM  
Anonymous Peng said...

WHY DOES HE HUNCH AND LOOK AT YOU LIKE HE HAS A BACK PROBLEM?? IT"S NOT NATURAL! i'm convinced he's pure evil manifesting in human skin, cuz his face doesn't fill out! and he has beady eyes! and his hair is so freaky! and that hunch while bending his neck in an awkward position! there was one episode at the end the camera switches to each csi in the office in relief of solving a good case at the end of the day and what does he do? stare at the sky from the helicopter pad in his sunglasses at sundown. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!?!??!! and those one liners??? GOD! ok maybe thats the scriptwriters fault, but COME ON! if you consider yourself a respectable actor, you would NEVER accept them let alone speak them on camera. IMPROVISE! but nooooo he says them and im like. that MUST have been used a BILLION times in ONE season! somehow i feel like the black mass inside him will just ooze out of his eyes, nose, ears, mouth leaving his skin and hair flopping to the floor and the evil mass will go up to the camera and say "Expect...the unexpected" and that will be the end of CSI: Miami. but lets have a spin-off called Detective Jake Berkeley. that's all i need.

5:33 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yeap. Horatio must die. I just watch the show because they show some good asses, and I hope some day Boavista would show her tits.

But yeap, H must die. He looks more like a gay than a cop.

10:55 PM  
Anonymous Tandav said...

You forgot to add "never die your hear bright ginger when everyone can tell from your face that it must be gray"

10:26 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I’m sorry but for me I love Horatio Caine as well as as the actor who played the role David Caruso.
I love the way Horatio catches the bad guys, he is very passionate to his work and the reputation of his crime lab. He is very compassionate to kids, and he really respects women.
He’s very helpful and gentle in fact I havn’t seen him scolding his teammates if they mess
with something. Horatio is my hero!!! <3<3<3<3<3<3

11:52 PM  
Anonymous heratio said...

I never thought you'd look to me like that you guys just inspire me to continue acting see you on TV while you all are broke:)

8:12 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Everything about this show is fake! I hate how he's so old and unattractive and yet he was married to a much younger woman...I hate how he talks so slow I hate how he walks around thinking he's so cool, horatio should just retire already btw they're crime scene investigators not cops so they should stop pretending to be big shot cops!

2:51 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

LOL, you've got to love the "Un" haters who have commented. They really should take their own advice and "change the channel". If they don't like what's being said they can go read an "I Love Horatio" blog instead. Personally I cannot stand the character (Yes you lovers of H - he is a CHARACTER, not a real person - I'm sure David Caruso is a perfectly normal human being himself but Horatio Caine is a fictitious character). Pompous, arrogant, condescending (to his staff AND anyone he assumes is guilty before being proven such), unapologetic to anyone he's accused so nastily and have then been proven innocent, and oh what a poser! HOWEVER the end is in sight - after watching (I can't help myself - the storylines are ok) tonight's episode I was thrilled to hear that next week it's the last episode EVER - yay, yay, yay.

4:32 AM  
Blogger Juan Rojas said...

I thought I was alone!! This is great! We all hate horatio lol how funny

7:48 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I cannot stand him! It's like he thinks he is some kind of sex symbol. He is NOT! He is just a creepy, unattractive man. I love the rest of the team though.

6:50 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

And not to mention. He thinks that he is a medical examiner, csi and detective!...I'm mean really you know how to do everyone's job better than them...and the favoritism he shows for pretty women...he irks me. I don't know why I watch. It's like when you can't turn away when someone vomits!

1:06 AM  
Blogger Brittany Smith said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

12:36 PM  
Blogger Brittany Smith said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

12:39 PM  
Blogger Brittany Smith said...

I do not hate Horatio and i don't give a crap if you hate me now but i'll be damned if i will sit here and let you people talk bad about Daivd Carurso and his Csi Character and let you people bring me down and you all can hate me now i don't care because you know what A HATERS GANNA HATE and thats all a hater every does is hate my little boy is sitting next to me and asking my why are the hating on Horatio i told him well son because a haters gonna hate and they know nothing but hate. I know we all have our own options but my little one has dreams that should not be broken

1:29 PM  
Blogger Brittany Smith said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

3:19 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You all are just jealous that Horatio can do a lot of stuff and you all can't do much of anything really

3:28 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

it's cloudy here and i still wear my sunglasses and i wear them indoors and i feel cool that way

3:30 PM  
Blogger Brittany Smith said...

I know right

3:30 PM  

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