Monday, October 30, 2006

New Rules For Halloween

I believe I have about 30 seconds of 'normal' before life gets hectic. Again.

I have no visitors. My alleged husband is at work. Big Brat is going to school. I don't work until 5:00pm. I have almost a whole day to do some normal things. Like laundry. And cleaning. And returning empty beer bottles. And carving a pumpkin, maybe.

Because starting tomorrow, it all gets crazy again. Halloween. I love it. But can they not make a rule somewhere that moms don't need to work on Halloween? So they can do CRAZY things like make dinner, take their jackets off, sit down. And a rule that the MOMS get to take the kids out Trick or Treating, and not the dads. A hot coffee or tea will be provided for each mom. And, if she worked all day, a large, muscled, half naked guy will pull her from house to house in a chariot. The dads need to stay home and hand out candy. With no beer or TV. And, if a dad is not available, an alternate treat distributor can be rented. And, if you cannot afford an alternate treat distributor, one will be provided for you.

And while we are at it, let's give every kid their own makeup artist. And costume designer with their own sewing machine. Because those Walmart costumes are looking crappier every year. What's next? Twenty bucks for a big paper bag with holes in it and a black magic marker?

And let's give the little darlings a list of how much discussion there can be about their costume. A time limit. Let's say, 1 minute a day. And not to start before October 1st. And not to continue past October 31st at midnight. Because I can have NO MORE conversations about what color of scarf and how much jewelry a gypsy should wear. How would I know? Do I look like a gypsy? I've been threatening to sell her to gypsies for twelve years, and NOW she takes an interest. I also have no more conversation left for how much pirate stuff is too much pirate stuff. For instance, would a hook, a parrot, an eyepatch, a sword, a hat, AND a bandana with crazy beaded braids and a painted on beard be a little bit TOO piratey? I don't know. Do I look like a pirate?

What happened to those great costumes that look like snowsuits and just zip on? I loved those. Little Brat was happy with that last year. She was a flying unicorn. Sure, there were 40 other flying unicorns trick or treating in the same area, but she didn't care. Then Kindergarten happened. And her new friends. I shudder to think how much time they spend at school talking about how to drive their mothers insane with complicated costumes.

And, for those who have mothers that wait until TODAY to find a costume for them....they should just automatically get extra candy. And I know I will see those mothers today, at work. At the dollar store. Where the Christmas stuff has been out for weeks. And anything remotely orange and black in color has been relegated to the "Let's just sell this crap and get it out the door" section of the store. No, we have no colored hair spray. No, no vampire teeth. No, no witch hats, colored wigs, pumpkin carving sets, halloween socks, giant paper skeletons, fake spider webs, fake blood, fake swords, etc, etc. No. We are out. We were out last week. Or the week before. It's the day before Halloween, bad moms. You are too late. You are going to send your kids to school tomorrow wearing their dad's garage overalls and calling themselves a 'mechanic'. And all the other kids will KNOW what that means. That they have a mom that couldn't be bothered. And now it's too late. Go to Walmart and buy a large paper bag and black magic marker. And hope your children are emotionally stable enough to not smother you in your sleep.

Ok. Who's with me? New rules for Halloween. One of us will have to get elected to something. The higher the office the better. Are any of your running for President or Prime Minister, by any chance? Or at least dressing like one for Halloween? No? Well, until we can make these changes, everybody just hang on. We'll get through it.

Then we just have to worry about Christmas.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

It took me years to learn to buy my daughter's costume as soon as she said, "I want to be THAT this year".I bought her costume in early September and consider it a brilliant sanity-saving purchase. So I am no longer on the bad mom list and feel free to agree with you and all of your rules. Although I'm a stay-at-home mom and still want the half naked chariot diver to show up at my front door.

12:05 p.m.  
Blogger Lucy said...

You know you really should be writing editorials for some big newspaper cause you are hilarious!!!! This never ends you know....check out my blog...I still had to paint up my college-age son's face! You've got a long way to go, girlfriend!!

4:40 p.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Halloween's tomorrow?? Oh NO!

J/K. I try to stay out of costume conversations. My LB plans to make hers tomorrow. She will only have herself to blame if she doesn't like it although it's kinda clever.

9:09 p.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

How about a mood stabilization medication clinic beginning the last day of September? Moms could go get their meds, because even if you are well prepared and buy your costume early the munchkins will change their minds before the actual day...Me likey

5:50 a.m.  
Blogger Unknown said...

Halloween is a piece of cake in my house. But I have teens now and they do most of their own makeup and such stuff. I have been left behind to pass out candy to the little kids who really appreciate the holiday and are not in a contest to see who gets the most candy that nite..

8:01 a.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I never realized how difficult Halloween could be - especially for a working mom.

Hang in there. It's weeks and weeks till Christmas

8:27 a.m.  
Blogger Biz said...

Hello everyone.
My name is Elizabeth and I am a bad Mom.
I started being a bad Mom about 3 years ago and I can't seem to break it. But I'm sure with continued sound advice from the 'good' Mom's I can get past this.
Tara, thanks for your completely hilarious blog. You totally brighten my day!

4:25 p.m.  
Blogger Fadrah said...

In the end it all turns out well with three children trying to say "trick-or-treat" through chattering teeth in the below freezing temps. of south-east Idaho. Another rule, why do we change the time the weekend before halloween? Not only is it darker and colder earlier, but we have hyped up kids when it was bed time last week.

4:04 p.m.  
Blogger Art & Disorder said...

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11:23 a.m.  

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