Saturday, December 30, 2006

I FINALLY get half a FRIGGIN' hour to post something here. And can I? NO! Blogger decides to be a BASTARD.

Yes, I get the irony of that graphic. If you can see it, obviously I CAN post. Whatever. It took a LOT of tries before I was able to post something. I now have no time left to tell ya'll my resolutions for the new year (allthough I will be back before midnight New Year's Eve to do so).

So. Ya. Have a great day. Stupid Blogger. Or, maybe it's the dial up. Whatever. They're both stupid. And my banking site, too. Ya. And my cat. My cat is stooooopid. But, that's it.

Sunday, December 24, 2006

'Twas the Night Before Christmas ~ The Tara Version

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through this blog
Not a creature was stirring, not even a ...frog?;
The stockings were hung by the sidebar with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there;
The Brats were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of mom ever getting off the computer danced in their heads;
And Husband in 'kerchief, and I in my cap,
Had just settled down for a long winter's nap,
When out on the World Wide Web there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the ...Um...."Windows" I flew like a flash,
Double clicked open the file and threw up the sash.
The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below,
(That's my screensaver. Nice, eh? Very picturesque.)
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer,
With a little old driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;
"Now, Folgers! now, Maxwell! now, Starbucks and Timmies!
On, Nescafe! on Sanka! on, Nabob and ...uh...Chock full o' Nuts!
(what? Not EVERYTHING can ryhme, ya know. Shut up and enjoy it)
To the top of the Title! to the top of the Blog!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!"
As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky,
So up to the blog-top the coursers they flew,
With the sleigh full of YARN, and St. Nicholas too.
And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
As I drew in my hand, and was turning around,
Down the sidebar St. Nicholas came with a bound.
He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot;
A bundle of yarn he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a peddler just opening his pack.
His eyes -- how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow;
The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath;
(ok, Santa, this is a no smoking blog.)
He had a broad face and a little round belly,
That shook, when he laughed like a bowlful of jelly.
He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself;
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread;
(except all the retail havoc he creates. Thanks, Santa. I 'owe' you one)
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled all the stockings; then turned with a jerk,
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the sidebar he rose;
He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight,
"Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night."

Saturday, December 23, 2006

Dear Santa....

Dear Santa,

I know. I'm a little late this year. I KNOW. You've been at the mall. You've seen me there. You know how busy I've been. But, here's my letter. You can call off your little pointy eared goons, now.
In the spirit of Christmas, and because I can't think of anything to ask for, I'm going to ask for things for others. You know. To be nice.

For the customers at the Dollar Store:

Please Santa, could you teach them all to put their carts away? Maybe the elves could hold a seminar. It shouldn't take long. Just so they stop randomly pushing carts in various directions. They seem to think that the carts have little minds of their own and will steer themselves into the corral. But, they don't. They just don't.

Oh, and since you will have them there, could you remind them the the dollar store counters don't have conveyer belts like the fancy shcmancy grocery stores. And that their cart will NOT melt out from under their stuff if they don't pile it on the counter as fast and as high as possible. You could help them relax. RELAX. And just enjoy the dollar store experience.

For my kids:

Santa, could you please send a robot mom for my kids. I know they didn't ask for it, but I can tell they really want one. One that looks a little like me. And will clean the house and all that crap. I know they would love that. Really. I swear it.

For Horatio Caine:

Horatio needs a rich wife from Europe. Please. PLEASE. Send him away. So I can watch TV on Monday nights again. Without gagging.

For Yul, the winner of Survivor:

I know. He won a million dollars. I'm very happy for him. But maybe you could overhaul his personality a little bit. Because I swear he is the EXACT same as an ex boyfriend of mine, and that's not good for anyone. What an ass that guy was.

For the Taliban:

Santa, could you get these guys some teddy bears and cozy blankets? Maybe some nice sleepytime tea laced with chill pills. Anything to get them to BUGGER OFF already. Thanks.

For my blogger friends:

Santa. Santa, Santa, Santa. I think I asked for more time last year. Fine, you didn't get it for ME, but what about all of my loving and faithful readers out there in the blogiverse? They miss me. They cry for me. They can't keep going on like this. Why, Santa? WHY? The world is cruel enough. Give these poor, poor bloggers a break and give me just one extra hour a day to sit and blog with a cup of coffee. Is that really so much to ask?

Ok, fine, for ME:

Could you pick me up a large Timmies with 3 cream and 2 sugar? Thanks.

Your Friend,

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

My Favorite Christmas Pirate Joke

Where did the pirate buy Christmas presents for little pirate children?
Get ready for it......


Monday, December 18, 2006

Good morning everyone. I'm only here for a moment, before I return to the salt mines. Did ya'll know it's only one week until Christmas? Yup. One week. But, I'm not panicking. Nope. Not me.


Sunday, December 17, 2006

What? What's this? Am I really here? It all feels like a dream.

A day off! Wow!

Yes, peeps, I am here. Just for a few minutes. I have OH so many things to do on my day off. Fun things. Like buying a new litter box for the cat. Yup. Fun.

Another co-worker of mine, the sneaky little bugger, has found this blog. Everyone say HI CHAD. Chad is a future prime minister of Canada. Be sure to vote for him later on. In about 30 years or so. If you're Canadian that is. He says that I don't sound like myself in the blog. I'm not sure what that means. Whatever.

So, that's all you get from me for now. It's still BC (before coffee). Maybe, if you wish really hard, I'll come back later and tell ya'll about the new litter box!

Monday, December 11, 2006

I'm not dead....

...just really busy.

In case you are not convinced of my non-deceased-ness, in lieu of flowers, please send coffee. Lots of coffee. Enough to wake the dead. Thanks.

Thursday, December 07, 2006

A Bit O' Wisdom and Other Tidbits

I know. I've been busy. Ya'll knew it was coming. And the only reason I have time now is because it's 5:02 am. And I've already been up long enough for a coffee. But, I still don't have a lot of time. Kids and school and work and all that. I was tagged a while ago, but I am still working on it. It's coming. For now, I will just share with you a few things I have learned this week.

~ Nobody has a sense of humor at 4:05 am. Nobody.

~ Christmas is apparently NOT the season to be jolly. According to many of my customers.

~ My new running shows are NOT waterproof in icy puddles.

~ Big Brat joined a knitting club at school. KNITTING. And then they asked for 2 bucks. So I sent it, and asked her later what it was for. For some of the kids to get yarn and needles. YARN and NEEDLES. Why am I paying for other people's kids to get things that I have in abundance?

~ Little Brat is AMAZINGLY proficient at speaking french. It floors me. She's learned more in a few months of Jr Kindergarten than I learned in 8 years in school. And my alleged husband can ask her questions that I have NEVER heard, in all my years learning french in school, and she can answer them. Keeping in mind that nobody in our house speaks french at home. Heck, we can barely get by with english some days.

~ Broken ass bones take a long time to heal.

~ And, most importantly, and I hope ya'll use this little tip whenever you can.....when in doubt, write a limerick.

Monday, December 04, 2006